Bob McCullough, a friend of the great Jim Dedmon, sent this along, as quoted from the late CBS commentator, Andy Rooney:<\/p>\n
\u201cIf my body is ever found on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cRespect your elders. They graduated from school without the Internet.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve decided I\u2019m not old. I\u2019m 45 \u2014 plus shipping and handling.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWhy do I have to press 1 for English. Did America move?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWe have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cBehind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s stop sending money to other countries and let them hate us for free.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cVegetarian? That\u2019s an ancient tribal name for the village idiot who could not hunt, fish or light fires.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI look at people and sometimes think, \u2018Really! That\u2019s the sperm that won\u2019?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cIn my defense, I was left unsupervised.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cIf guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make people fat.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cMy decision-making skills most closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cSome things are just better left unsaid. And I usually realize it right after I say them.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWe owe illegals nothing. We owe our veterans everything.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cCamping: A pursuit in which the camper pays a small fortune to live like a homeless person.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI thought getting old would take longer.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cThe wisest man who ever lived once said \u2014 nothing.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u2022 \u2022 \u2022\n <\/p>\n Lately, I\u2019ve been drinking more coffee, and have picked up these one-liners. Please pass the cream and sugar.<\/p>\n Signs that you\u2019re drinking too much coffee:<\/p>\n \u2014 You get a speeding ticket even when you\u2019re parked.<\/p>\n \u2014 You grind your coffee beans between your teeth.<\/p>\n \u2014 The nurse needs a calculator to take your pulse.<\/p>\n \u2014 You can jump-start your car without cables.<\/p>\n \u2014 Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.<\/p>\n \u2022 \u2022 \u2022<\/p>\n Here are some more short items:<\/p>\n If an Englishman gets run over by a truck,<\/strong> he apologizes to the truck.<\/p>\n A man was seen studying a chessboard on a bench in Courthouse Park.<\/strong> Opposite the man was a dog, also staring at the chessboard.<\/p>\n A bystander said, \u201cThat\u2019s the most amazing thing I\u2019ve ever seen \u2014 a dog playing chess.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI wouldn\u2019t say that,\u201d said the man playing chess with the dog. \u201cI\u2019ve beat him three games out of four.\u201d<\/p>\n Television personality Rita Rudner said,<\/strong> \u201cI wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a strange religious cult?<\/p>\n This drunk told the bartender:<\/strong> \u201cMy favorite drink is half carrot juice and half whiskey. I\u2019m drunk most of the time, but I can see for miles.\u201d<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Bob McCullough, a friend of the great Jim Dedmon, sent this along, as quoted from the late CBS commentator, Andy Rooney: \u201cIf my body is ever found on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.\u201d \u201cRespect your elders. They graduated from school without the Internet.\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve decided I\u2019m not […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"elementor_theme","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_angie_page":false,"page_builder":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[21],"tags":[27,32,40,42],"class_list":["post-6960","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-opinion","tag-celebrity","tag-culture","tag-health","tag-humor"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/maderatribune.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6960","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/maderatribune.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/maderatribune.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/maderatribune.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/9"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/maderatribune.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6960"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/maderatribune.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6960\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/maderatribune.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6960"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/maderatribune.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6960"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/maderatribune.com\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6960"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}